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Wednesday, March 28, 2007

it was a very hard decision for me.
i've decided to stop odac.
i shouldnt be even thinking about turning back now right?
did i make the right choices?
trying to reason everything out for myself.

have been thinking for days ever since mr lim had wanted a letter from us.
actually not since then. it have been for some time, but i just dismissed the thought, thinking that i can just perservere on.

i guess my reasons for staying on for so long are friends.
and maybe the next are some of the fun activities they do and expeditions.

i really do not know what to do. i dont think i understood myself either.
does it mean tht what i did for the first 3 mths, what i had 'pursued, trained' for has been for nothing?

odac has been a really enjoyable and enriching cca. as what mr lim had said its a tough and demanding cca. its a cca which requires us to climb through those thorns then we could reach the bed of roses. its a cca which requires commitment. you have to put in extra efforts for it. not every training is that tough. at some point of time you had fun. those crappy moments. well, that's all its about right? there are no such thing as a cca full of fun and just plain play-fulness.
every training did gives me a sense of satisfaction. you just feel. well. happy. glad that you had survived. became better. physically and mentally.

yes and that also meant we have to sacrifice some things.
but you get something in return. for sure.
but those two things werent the same.

reding mr lim's letter over and over again, i am more unsure for myself.
dont know if i am even good enough to be in odac.
i dont think i am as good as the rest now.
dont think i can tahan for so long.
i might just die out half way. will i? the sense of determination did come back but. but. but.
so many i dont think i can.
this is not being postive thinking.
this sucks.

all the thoughts are becoming jumbled up.

oh wells. i am really tired of thinking so much.
tired.

i am going to miss odac for sure. definately.
i am going to miss those crazy PT we do.
i am going to miss those knowledge lessons.
and i am going to miss the fellow odac-ers.

sorry.
if i let some of you down.

feeling totally horrible.

went home pretty early today.
it just felt so weird. so so so weird.
today is wednesday.
and i have no cca today. kind of. yes.
okay. the next cca i am heading for is hockey but there isnt any training today.
was staring and reading those posts at the odac board.
thinking again.

trying to let go slowly. the remainings.
new chapter.

PW. another thing to decide about.
oh i hate making choices.
i want to be oblivious to everything. back to those childhood days.

i am super lost in my tutorials. shit.